I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I have tasted many bathrooms
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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