I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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