one might say we're banned from that church
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
