The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
