There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish they made helmets for livers.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
