I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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