My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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