Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
