My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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