You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
