whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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