My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
