Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
