And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
