i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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