Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
