If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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