So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Randomize
