She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
