Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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