he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
