It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
