I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
