Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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