even my farts smell like vagina
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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