The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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