That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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