I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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