Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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