seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
