He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How many fucks given?
0.12846
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
