It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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