my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize