his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
