my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
one might say we're banned from that church
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
