I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize