She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
