It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
