Michael Bay diarrhea
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
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