I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
