Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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