it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
