yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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