Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
