u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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