I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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