It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
