I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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