you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
third nipple confirmed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
