i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
