Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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