saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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