Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
