Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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