listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
