So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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