Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
